Friday, November 28, 2008

Turkey Remains And How To Inter Them

At my other, now-defunct blog, I posted about a series of recommendations by F. Scott Fitzgerald on what to do with post-holiday turkey.  A few years ago, my wife's boss gave me some photocopies from F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Note-books" and it's pretty wonderful.  Yes, yes, The Great Gatsby is the best of Fitzgerald, but I would offer this as a close second.  Here are some excerpts from the section entitled: "Turkey Remains And How To Inter Them With Numerous Scarce Recipes".  
Turkey a la Francaise: Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat.  Proceed as with cottage pudding.
Turkey Mousse: Seed a large, prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc.  Blow up with a bicycle pump.  Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.
Stolen Turkey: Walk quickly from the market, and, if accosted, remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn't noticed it.  Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg - well, anyhow, beat it.
Turkey Hash: This is the delight of all connoisseurs of the holiday beast, but few understand how really to prepare it.  Like a lobster, it must be plunged alive into boiling water, until it becomes bright red or purple or something, and then before the color fades, placed quickly in a washing machine and allowed to stew in its own gore as it is whirled around.  Only then is it ready for hash.  To hash, take a large sharp tool like a nail-file or, if none is handy, a bayonet will serve the purpose - and then get at it!  Hash it well!  Bind the remains with dental floss and serve.
Turkey with Whiskey Sauce: This recipe is for a party of four.  Obtain a gallon of whiskey, and allow it to age for several hours.  Then serve, allowing one quart for each guest.  The next day the turkey should be added, little by little, constantly stirring and basting.


Scott Garson said...

this gets me imagining the kind of blog Fitgerald might have had if there'd been an internet then....

Anson Mountain said...

The Note-Books is (are?) incredible. I wanted to write another entry just to say how much I like it, but held off.

Q. What did he die of?
A. He died of jus' dieability.

"When opened up, the fish smelled like a very stuffy room."

"Shocked at five razor blades instead of twelve."